Hate is a BIG Word....

And I'm using that word to discribe my father.
I can NOT stand the man that owns half of my genes. You see, my father was an abusive alcoholic. So we left town when I was 9. My mom says she believes he used to love us as much as he could. Something changed, I think he just wanted to love us... in front of other people. He just wants to be know as 'loving father' that he could never be. It showed this week.
So you should know that everybodys paying thier tax. Well they asked him if he claimed anybody he said yes and named my old best friend and her new baby. He has never claimed me. He's never payed child support and over the years you can imagine how much money he owes us. I hate him.
Has anybody heard of PostSecret? It's this thing you send anonymous post card to, telling them your secret. They make a book. I was reading one of the books and came across one that discribes what I'm afraid to admit to my mother. It said, "[...] I've always suspected he molested me as well. But I've never said anything, and I'm scared to find out if my suspicions are true." Whoever wrote that, I understand. I have this thing, where, if I don't like something or I'm scared of something I'm scared of something I guess I just scratch it out of my head and forget all about it. I even do it with my nightmares if they get too bad. So I don't know if my 'father' ever tried anything with me. No matter how much I try to remember it never comes. Maybe it's a good thing I dont remember... my mom would die if she ever knew. Put me back in Therapy for the 6th time and say it's not my fault but hers. So I'll just stay this way...
I'm a Christian and all and I knoww we aren't supposed to feel hatred for ANYBODY but I do. And all that hate is for my 'father'.

Some Moments Made My Week.

I had some good points of today. I shall list them...
1) We got our ranks and GPA and stuff... I made top 5% of my class! My best friend got #1!!!
2) The coach is letting me play softball next year!
3) Dimitri and I started talking and laughing. He got yelled at by a teacher. So he started talking about how he was going to crash her wedding. It was FUNNY!
4) I had patatoes(I can't spell) for dinner! Mmmmm....
5) I'm getting better at my solo for my horn! :)
6) I watched The Ugly Truth.
7) I read two good books. Hush, Hush is my new favorite book! I also read The Juliet Club. (I have to find out if you can actually send letters for 'Juliet' to answer...)
8) I'm listening to Hellogoodbye.
9) I realized The Lightning Thief is coming out on Friday!!!!
10) It felt really good today, my favorite weather. :)

Maybe not so sure.

I'm not sure if you knew but I'm a strong Christian. I love God more then anything but lately I've been straining grom him. Tonight I went to youth group and during worship I realized that there was something holding me back from my realationship with God. And I figured that it's most likely Justin. Justin isn't a strong christian like me. He's Catholic and I'm not so sure he's saved. When I brought something up about when I was sick I prayed and asked God to heal me and I worshiped him. I felt better automatically. Well, when I mentioned it to Justin he gave me a wierd look and changed the subject... so I didn't bring it up again. I love God more then Justin because I have faith in him. I have a jut feeling that Justin will never understand.
You see, I was saved almost two years ago. My life was horrible and I was blind by hate. My father was an abusive alcoholic, he left on my 8th birthday (you read right, my BIRTHDAY!) I always thought it was my fault but in sixth grade I realized I only missed the thought of a good father, not what that man actually is. Then I hated him with every bone in my body, and I'm not talking about the hate you might feel for homework or whatever, I mean HATE.
Two years ago I met a girl and she took me to church. I've been to church before but only Catholic churches and I hadn't gone in years (my mom's not religious at all) and I listened to the sermon and I realized that I am LOVED and I wanted to do everything I could for him. And It felt like all my hate and fears were lifted off of my shoulders. But now theyre coming back and I don't know what to do...

The choices are made and life might have gone more interesting.

I have made my choice. As you know yesterday was bad but it got worse. At 1a.m. this morning I woke up suddenly and well had an anxiety attack. I know. You're probably like "Why didn't she mention this before?!" Well truth is that was my second attack. The first was a while back and I didn't think anything of it. This time... I couldn't ignore it. So I wake up right away for no reason. But i had the hot chills I was drenched in cold sweat. I couldn't breath and my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest. Probably a nightmare, right? Wrong. I thought the same thing for the first minute. Then I realized 'Why isn't my slowing down? Why can I still not breath?' I got even more freaked. I needed help but nobody was there. My mom should have gotten home from work but she wasn't there and I got even more scared. So all was horrible. I didn't calm down until roughly 4:30 or 5. I was scared to sleep because it might happen again and only two words were on my mind "Anxiety attack."
Today we were in the library doing research so I thought I'd check anxiety attacks. I came across an article about anxiety disorders. I have 34 (maybe 35) out of 35 symptoms. And this isn't some thing that shows a couple of thimes. I've had those symptoms my whole life. I thought it was normal. It's not.
I should also say that I made a choice. I'm with Justin. No matter what Dimitri does. I'm not calling it off with Justin. Justins safe. Dimitri makes me crazy and with my new knowlege I should stick with Justin.

Not Such a Great Day.

I have changed all names to stay anonymous and protect those I know. The names may be different but the story (every word) is TRUE. I NEVER lie!

So, I'm not usually a angry are sad person. You can say I'm always in a good mood... even though I have plenty of bad days I try my best not to show it. Today was different I am so angry at myself that I couldn't even hide it a little.

I suppose I should actually say why it was a bad day...
For the past two and a half years I have been aware of my admiration, I suppose is a simpler word for most of you, for this guy named Dimitri. And thats only the time I was aware of it, it has probably been longggg before that, seeing as how we met in grade school. He is the most stubborn and rude person I have ever met, but my feeling still haven't changed no matter how much I wish I wouldn't like him. I tried to tell him last year and all he said was "Okay... I don't like you." So this year I decided I'd wait until senior year to tell him. Then I met Sebastian and he liked me so I gave him a chance. That didn't end well, I knew I liked Dimitri more but I went along with it and he dumped me. At first I thought 'Oh no!' then I didn't care. A couple of months ago I started talking to Justin and he is the sweetest ever and I really do like him... but, I still like Dimitri. I know 'What a sl**!' is probably what you're thinking. The truth is I'm nothing close to that, I mean, for crying out loud, I want to be a librarian!!!! On Monday some dude found out I like Dimitri because i think I said 'I love him.' out loud when he was mentioned (I didn't mean to! Sometimes I say my thoughts out loud without knowing!). He said "Ohhhh. Elaine, you like my brother! You should ask him out, I know he'll say yes.".Now, I've been thinking more and I already think too much. There is a war in my mind. you see, I am currently the girlfriend of Justin. Here are the 'battle noises'....

"Ohmigosh. I think Dimitri likes me!"

"You don't want him to like you!"

"Why not?!?!"

"Because, you have Justin and you like Justin too much!"

"Not as much as you like Dimitri."

**silence....**

Then something occured to me. If Dimitri asked me out what would I do? I had the answer in a heartbeat. And thats the part I really started to hate myself. I don't know what to do. Dimitri has been nicer then usual and it was a pang knowing how much I like him. everytime he saays my name I feel like floating. And when our skin meets I get this electric shock from my head to my toes. And my head clears and screams "HOME!"... I've never had a home. But Justin is safe, he's really nice and Dimitri can be a jerk at times. And theres a new school that opens next year. Justin isn't going but Dimitri and I are. Dimitri and I are taking the same classes and I know we'll have band together. and I'm scared of what I'll do. I really don't trust myself anymore....