Hate is a BIG Word....

And I'm using that word to discribe my father.
I can NOT stand the man that owns half of my genes. You see, my father was an abusive alcoholic. So we left town when I was 9. My mom says she believes he used to love us as much as he could. Something changed, I think he just wanted to love us... in front of other people. He just wants to be know as 'loving father' that he could never be. It showed this week.
So you should know that everybodys paying thier tax. Well they asked him if he claimed anybody he said yes and named my old best friend and her new baby. He has never claimed me. He's never payed child support and over the years you can imagine how much money he owes us. I hate him.
Has anybody heard of PostSecret? It's this thing you send anonymous post card to, telling them your secret. They make a book. I was reading one of the books and came across one that discribes what I'm afraid to admit to my mother. It said, "[...] I've always suspected he molested me as well. But I've never said anything, and I'm scared to find out if my suspicions are true." Whoever wrote that, I understand. I have this thing, where, if I don't like something or I'm scared of something I'm scared of something I guess I just scratch it out of my head and forget all about it. I even do it with my nightmares if they get too bad. So I don't know if my 'father' ever tried anything with me. No matter how much I try to remember it never comes. Maybe it's a good thing I dont remember... my mom would die if she ever knew. Put me back in Therapy for the 6th time and say it's not my fault but hers. So I'll just stay this way...
I'm a Christian and all and I knoww we aren't supposed to feel hatred for ANYBODY but I do. And all that hate is for my 'father'.

Some Moments Made My Week.

I had some good points of today. I shall list them...
1) We got our ranks and GPA and stuff... I made top 5% of my class! My best friend got #1!!!
2) The coach is letting me play softball next year!
3) Dimitri and I started talking and laughing. He got yelled at by a teacher. So he started talking about how he was going to crash her wedding. It was FUNNY!
4) I had patatoes(I can't spell) for dinner! Mmmmm....
5) I'm getting better at my solo for my horn! :)
6) I watched The Ugly Truth.
7) I read two good books. Hush, Hush is my new favorite book! I also read The Juliet Club. (I have to find out if you can actually send letters for 'Juliet' to answer...)
8) I'm listening to Hellogoodbye.
9) I realized The Lightning Thief is coming out on Friday!!!!
10) It felt really good today, my favorite weather. :)

Maybe not so sure.

I'm not sure if you knew but I'm a strong Christian. I love God more then anything but lately I've been straining grom him. Tonight I went to youth group and during worship I realized that there was something holding me back from my realationship with God. And I figured that it's most likely Justin. Justin isn't a strong christian like me. He's Catholic and I'm not so sure he's saved. When I brought something up about when I was sick I prayed and asked God to heal me and I worshiped him. I felt better automatically. Well, when I mentioned it to Justin he gave me a wierd look and changed the subject... so I didn't bring it up again. I love God more then Justin because I have faith in him. I have a jut feeling that Justin will never understand.
You see, I was saved almost two years ago. My life was horrible and I was blind by hate. My father was an abusive alcoholic, he left on my 8th birthday (you read right, my BIRTHDAY!) I always thought it was my fault but in sixth grade I realized I only missed the thought of a good father, not what that man actually is. Then I hated him with every bone in my body, and I'm not talking about the hate you might feel for homework or whatever, I mean HATE.
Two years ago I met a girl and she took me to church. I've been to church before but only Catholic churches and I hadn't gone in years (my mom's not religious at all) and I listened to the sermon and I realized that I am LOVED and I wanted to do everything I could for him. And It felt like all my hate and fears were lifted off of my shoulders. But now theyre coming back and I don't know what to do...