The choices are made and life might have gone more interesting.

I have made my choice. As you know yesterday was bad but it got worse. At 1a.m. this morning I woke up suddenly and well had an anxiety attack. I know. You're probably like "Why didn't she mention this before?!" Well truth is that was my second attack. The first was a while back and I didn't think anything of it. This time... I couldn't ignore it. So I wake up right away for no reason. But i had the hot chills I was drenched in cold sweat. I couldn't breath and my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest. Probably a nightmare, right? Wrong. I thought the same thing for the first minute. Then I realized 'Why isn't my slowing down? Why can I still not breath?' I got even more freaked. I needed help but nobody was there. My mom should have gotten home from work but she wasn't there and I got even more scared. So all was horrible. I didn't calm down until roughly 4:30 or 5. I was scared to sleep because it might happen again and only two words were on my mind "Anxiety attack."
Today we were in the library doing research so I thought I'd check anxiety attacks. I came across an article about anxiety disorders. I have 34 (maybe 35) out of 35 symptoms. And this isn't some thing that shows a couple of thimes. I've had those symptoms my whole life. I thought it was normal. It's not.
I should also say that I made a choice. I'm with Justin. No matter what Dimitri does. I'm not calling it off with Justin. Justins safe. Dimitri makes me crazy and with my new knowlege I should stick with Justin.

Not Such a Great Day.

I have changed all names to stay anonymous and protect those I know. The names may be different but the story (every word) is TRUE. I NEVER lie!

So, I'm not usually a angry are sad person. You can say I'm always in a good mood... even though I have plenty of bad days I try my best not to show it. Today was different I am so angry at myself that I couldn't even hide it a little.

I suppose I should actually say why it was a bad day...
For the past two and a half years I have been aware of my admiration, I suppose is a simpler word for most of you, for this guy named Dimitri. And thats only the time I was aware of it, it has probably been longggg before that, seeing as how we met in grade school. He is the most stubborn and rude person I have ever met, but my feeling still haven't changed no matter how much I wish I wouldn't like him. I tried to tell him last year and all he said was "Okay... I don't like you." So this year I decided I'd wait until senior year to tell him. Then I met Sebastian and he liked me so I gave him a chance. That didn't end well, I knew I liked Dimitri more but I went along with it and he dumped me. At first I thought 'Oh no!' then I didn't care. A couple of months ago I started talking to Justin and he is the sweetest ever and I really do like him... but, I still like Dimitri. I know 'What a sl**!' is probably what you're thinking. The truth is I'm nothing close to that, I mean, for crying out loud, I want to be a librarian!!!! On Monday some dude found out I like Dimitri because i think I said 'I love him.' out loud when he was mentioned (I didn't mean to! Sometimes I say my thoughts out loud without knowing!). He said "Ohhhh. Elaine, you like my brother! You should ask him out, I know he'll say yes.".Now, I've been thinking more and I already think too much. There is a war in my mind. you see, I am currently the girlfriend of Justin. Here are the 'battle noises'....

"Ohmigosh. I think Dimitri likes me!"

"You don't want him to like you!"

"Why not?!?!"

"Because, you have Justin and you like Justin too much!"

"Not as much as you like Dimitri."

**silence....**

Then something occured to me. If Dimitri asked me out what would I do? I had the answer in a heartbeat. And thats the part I really started to hate myself. I don't know what to do. Dimitri has been nicer then usual and it was a pang knowing how much I like him. everytime he saays my name I feel like floating. And when our skin meets I get this electric shock from my head to my toes. And my head clears and screams "HOME!"... I've never had a home. But Justin is safe, he's really nice and Dimitri can be a jerk at times. And theres a new school that opens next year. Justin isn't going but Dimitri and I are. Dimitri and I are taking the same classes and I know we'll have band together. and I'm scared of what I'll do. I really don't trust myself anymore....